Most women instinctively understand the power of this simple phrase: “You’ve got a friend.” We know that sometimes just being able to “lose it” with a friend is what allows us to keep it together. In summer 2001, Maria Kelly, 34, had a miscarriage that left her physically and emotionally drained, partly because she felt her husband wasn’t there for her.

Looking for relief from her isolation, she turned to her two best women friends. “They just let me fall apart,” she recalls. “They were supportive and kind, even though they hadn’t been through a miscarriage themselves.”Not long after the miscarriage Kelly began experiencing pain and blood loss. She called 911. Again, her friends came to the rescue. “They piled their kids into their car and were at my house before the ambulance was,” recalls Kelly. “They picked up my three boys (ages 3, 5 and 7) and took care of them, no questions asked! The relief I had, just knowing my boys were OK, made my ordeal less stressful.”

Kelly instinctively figured out what it’s taken researchers a long time to confirm: Supportive friendships do more than just soothe our frazzled nerves. Scientific evidence has now proven that positive social interactions actually improve mind, body and spirit. “People with positive and supportive relationships live longer, are less likely to have a variety of diseases and maintain better levels of cognitive and physical function as they grow older,” says Teresa Seeman, PhD, a professor of medicine and epidemiology at the University of California, Los Angeles, noting that we are social animals. “We’ve evolved to interact with others—that’s how we survive!”


We all need to feel nurtured when dealing with life’s challenges. So it makes sense that having friends in our corner reduces anxiety as we face crises and curveballs. Margie E. Lachman, PhD, professor and chair of the Department of Psychology at Brandeis University in Waltham, MA, says women with supportive relationships tend to feel more in control of their lives.

“Knowing you have people in your network whom you can count on gives you a boost in your sense of control and efficacy in your life,” explains Dr. Lachman. In turn, this boost leads to a more positive outlook and increases your ability to adapt to change.

But how does friendship “get under your skin” so to speak? Turns out, dishing about crazy Aunt Sally or a misbehaving boyfriend helps our bodies inhibit the production of stress hormones. Dr. Seeman’s work has revealed that positive social interactions provide a protective influence, helping us fight off major stress hormones. This is important because hormones flood our bloodstream when we are stressed out. And chronically high levels can interfere with our immune system, making us more susceptible to illness. Friends also influence us to maintain good health habits, such as exercise and healthy eating. The inverse is true as well: for women, conflict in relationships is associated with elevated blood pressure, as was found in one study at the Johns Hopkins School of Hygiene and Public Health in Baltimore.


Reciprocal friendships—where sharing emotions is mutual—promotes good health throughout life’s phases. In 2007, University of Amsterdam researcher Francine Jellesma, PhD, completed a study of school-age children and found that girls who shared their emotions with a close friend reported fewer headaches and stomachaches, as well as less fatigue.

Dr. Seeman’s work focuses on older adults, exploring links between the cumulative effects of life’s events and our health. For example, she and her colleagues have studied data on young adults for early evidence that social relationships influence our health, even if the subjects weren’t yet demonstrating wear-and-tear from a lifetime of stress.

Even in our early 30s, “you can see these differences in levels of all the major stress hormones,” says Dr. Seeman. When research participants reported they had more positive social interactions, their levels of cortisol, norepinephrine and epinephrine were lower. “Our interpretation,” notes Dr. Seeman, “is that these differences in levels of stress hormones are likely there chronically—all the time.”

Social scientists have established that women typically have a wider range of emotional support than men. In fact, creating friendship networks may be an instinctive behavior we’ve carried with us from prehistoric times, believes Psychologist Shelley Taylor, PhD, director of the Social Neuroscience Lab at the University of California, Los Angeles. She and her colleagues have proposed that women’s responses to stress are characterized by patterns of “tend and befriend” because this is what worked in primitive societies. Possibly driven by levels of oxytocin (a hormone that stimulates labor contractions and the letdown of milk for breastfeeding) and moderated by other sex hormones, these stress responses have evolved to maximize survival for us and our children. They prevail today.

These patterns make a real survival difference for those who experience traumatic events. Maine resident Jenifer Hart, a 56-year-old education consultant, has experienced the benefits of “tend and befriend” at several critical junctures in her life. Twenty years ago, Hart returned from a brief business meeting to find her front door open and her infant daughter crying in the crib. The 12-year-old babysitter had vanished. She was later found dead in the woods two miles from the family home, the victim of a senseless murder. In the following months, Hart struggled to make sense of the tragedy and maintain a family routine. “That just blew me into another zone,” she explains. “I got up in the morning, changed my daughter’s diapers and got the older one off to school. Some days I went to work. I went through the motions. But really, I was in severe, profound shock. It’s like I had a walking nervous breakdown.”

Hart’s isolation and grief were compounded by the fact that her husband processed the event differently. Her friends, she says, pulled her through. From the practical (showing up with casseroles) to the spiritual (offering consolation: “You did nothing wrong; this was beyond your control”), the support from her friends helped Hart weather the terrible event. “I do think that without the women in my life, I might have completely lost it,” she now says.


Women exhibit greater elevations of stress hormones in response to stress than men do, which is why finding ways to lower the levels of stress hormones in our bodies through friendship may help ward off health problems.

Also, we’re more likely than men to experience both support and strain from our family relationships. “It’s almost like a double whammy because women give and get support from family, but it doesn’t come without difficulties,” says Dr. Lachman, who advises a friendly remedy: “Women really do need to reach out to get support from their friends.”

As Kelly’s and Hart’s stories reveal, it’s good to have a variety of sources for support. Although Kelly and her husband share many friends as a couple, she maintains a few close friends for herself. “I go to different people with different issues,” she says, “just because life is more complicated!”

This range of relationships becomes even more important in today’s world, as families live separately. Not too many generations ago, that range of support was available within the extended family. Maybe what we’re looking for, Kelly conjectures, is to recreate that former constellation of sisters, grandmothers and aunties that gave us the support, nurturance and encouragement we all need to thrive.


You just lost your job due to company downsizing and could use some sympathy. Who are you going to call? Choosing whom you call can have a direct effect on your physical and mental wellbeing, says psychologist Michael G. Wetter, PsyD, DAPA, chief of adult psychiatric services at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Hayward, CA.

Dr. Wetter advises clients to make the distinction between an effective, supportive relationship versus a destructive, ineffective relationship. Sometimes this is a no-brainer. For instance, you know from past experience that your best friend from high school is likely to be sympathetic: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that. This must be horrible for you,” she says soothingly. This type of response, says Dr. Wetter, provides comfort, helps reduce blood pressure and makes you feel you’re not alone in the world.

But what if—instead—you had called your sister, who has a habit of injecting criticisms at critical times? “Didn’t you see it coming? You’re acting just like dad—he could never hold onto a job either,” she says sharply. Your blood pressure and stress hormones go up, and you feel more anxious, less able to handle your current crisis.

Friends serve certain roles and fulfill certain needs. So when you think about asking for help with a problem, go to those most likely to have the resources or the wisdom to provide you with what you need—even if it’s not a solution to your problem. Luckily, Dr. Lachman has found that we get better at choosing and keeping the friends who give us the support we need as we get older.

About the Author: Freelance writer Gretchen Henkel lives in California.