Q: I’ve gained 40 pounds during the last few years and feel really awful about myself. It’s affecting my sex life—I can’t stand for my husband to see me naked. This makes him mad; he doesn’t understand why I prefer to undress in the bathroom. I hate the idea of him seeing all my rolls and jiggly flesh. Help! —Lucy Adams, Denver, CO

A: It may not surprise you, bashful reader, that we women can be our harshest critics. We often avoid full-length mirrors, and as we age or gain weight, we sometimes hide our bodies under baggy clothing and away from our mates, thinking that the sight of our naked selves will disgust them or turn them off.

But the problem is mostly ours—we’ve succumbed to media images that portray the “ideal” woman in contrast to our own less-than-perfect selves. Most of these ideal vixens are actually girls, not women. Those skinny, model-perfect bodies are abnormal while ours are more reflective of typical women.

Did you know that the “average” American woman wears a size 12 or 14—not the size zero or two we see in magazine photos? In fact, most of the images we see in magazines have been digitally altered.

Hide-n-Seek As we age, our bodies change and ignoring or hiding those changes obscures who we really are. Denying your partner the pleasure of seeing your naked body removes a vital part of the sensual experience. Visual stimulation is very important in the sexual lives of many couples and a glimpse of a loved one’s body is often enough to ignite passion’s flames. Hiding is a form of withholding that can also affect your relationship outside the bedroom.

So what can you do with these negative feelings about your body? Talk with your partner—you may be surprised at his reaction. You may learn that your partner really likes the way you look right now and appreciates the fullness of you. You may learn that he experienced your hiding as rejection, and rejection of your relationship, instead of yourself!

Think about how your husband’s body has changed during the years—is he fitter or flabbier? My guess is that your partner has changed as well, adding a few pounds and wrinkles along the way. Ask yourself if you love him any less or judge him more harshly for these changes.

Change is inevitable. Rather than fighting or hiding from it, find ways to embrace these changes. Love is not necessarily blind but it is often much more forgiving of us than we are of ourselves.