Remember the days when you and your partner just couldn’t get enough of each other? In the early days of courtship and marriage, many women (and men) find their sex drive in high gear. We carry this memory of desire with us for the rest of our lives—ever comparing our current feelings against this past euphoria. The reality check eventually occurs. Most couples find that they cannot maintain this level of intensity indefinitely. Sexual interest and activity naturally change throughout life—often for the better! You might find that as you grow with your partner, sex becomes more satisfying than the frantically fumbling fingers of those first encounters.

As we age, we go through stages of sexuality, including the times we are building our family, and when we find ourselves empty nesters once again. In a committed and loving relationship, each stage deepens and broadens our understanding and expression of our sexuality. What we find sexually satisfying changes over time.


One of the earliest changes comes when a couple decides to have a baby. As a woman, you become absorbed in your body’s rhythms, particularly your menstrual cycle. You track when you’re most likely to conceive and approach your partner with purpose. No doubt this affects spontaneity, and for some, sex may become more work than play. For those struggling with infertility, the lack of positive pregnancy result month after month can make sex less satisfying, even disappointing. And then one day, voila, a positive pregnancy test, which brings changes in body image. Sexual interest—and comfortable positions—might diminish to zero in the first and last trimesters, due to nausea, fatigue, or fear of harming the fetus. But the second trimester can be a time of heightened sexual interest for many women, and men shouldn’t be surprised if their wives find even the slightest gesture a turn-on.

Then comes baby and sleepless nights. Breastfeeding moms often are exhausted; their breasts, once a source of sexual play, are now strictly for feeding. Some men have a hard time reconciling the image of their mate as both a mom and a sexual partner. Babies become toddlers, and parents find themselves locking the bedroom door. Babysitters are called for planned evenings away, and sex becomes scheduled and rushed. Luckily, kids grow quickly. Soon they are teenagers with lives of their own, and opportunities for spontaneity return. For women who adopt or have a baby without a partner, having a satisfying sexual relationship can be even harder with all their energy going into parenting.

Menopause is a time when a woman’s hormones change; often so does her sex drive. Testosterone declines during menopause, experts think, which plays a role in the frequency and intensity of sexual thoughts. You might lose interest in sex even when you have a partner who is capable and ready. Some women no longer think about sex very often, if at all. Estrogen loss might also play a role in decreased desire by affecting blood flow to the brain and altering a woman’s sense of touch. You might find that you think about sex less and don’t enjoy sexual touching as much either. Sexual desire and expression are also affected by other factors. Depression and past sexual abuse can profoundly affect sexual functioning. Some prescription drugs, such as selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors, often used to treat depression, can have effects on your sexual functioning. What you think and believe about masturbation can affect how you express and enjoy sex.

Chronic medical conditions such as arthritis, diabetes, and high blood pressure (hypertension), which often first appear during midlife, can also affect sexual function. However, if you chalk up changes in your sexuality to aging, you might fail to seek treatment that could restore vibrant intimacy to your life. And maybe you’re like other women, who find that as they age, their sexuality actually improves. Women say that as they grow with their partner, they have an easier time communicating their needs and desires. They find themselves increasingly confident about sex. There are years of mutual affection underlying every touch. The brain is the biggest sex organ in the body, and maturity and experience can be a real turn-on. If you’re willing to communicate and be open to your needs and your partner’s needs, sex in midlife can include great sensuality and exploration with less emphasis on orgasms and more attention to new feelings and sensations.